My mum is a nonsensical bitch of all times. Always trying to create a ruckus at home.. not contributing a single shit, still want to dig things from home AND still want people to treat her like a queen.

God, there are times I wonder why do I have to go through all these. Especially when she is no longer with me. The troubles of my heart, the pains and agonies I have to go through. It used to be shared, but now I am going through alone... I feel like dying at times in the midst of all these troubles. Every night my tears would wet my pillows, my heart wrenches to no end. I miss who I miss, I hate who I hate.

One gave me hope and happiness throughout the 12 years we shared. Another gave me hell and despair and nightmares since the day I was born for 25 years. Why the contrast? Why take away the heaven and leave behind the hell.

I miss her, I truly miss her. If it was meant for me to go through hell, why create me in the first place? What is the reason behind my creation? Wouldn't it be better to destroy me even before birth? Thursday, November 05, 2009

This afternoon I was cabbing down to Horsecity to help Vicky on her comp. The taxi uncle took the route from PIE then exit Eng Neo Road. As usual from Pasir Ris, he passes by Bedok Reservoir. I remembered about 10 years ago, Lai and allof us from EVSS we still went there for our annual cross country run. I remembered how used to look in our signature PE t-shirt and shorts.

Suddenly I started on a string of thoughts about what is going on with our lives and the surroundings 10 years ago. Then to realise time only moves forwards, it never goes back...

Time and tide waits for no man... Sunday, October 11, 2009

Abram believed the LORD, and the LORD was pleased with him. - Genesis 15:6(CEV)

It had been some time since I work hard on my bible reading. Just had the burning desire to read it tonight. But I was too lazy to read my physical bible so I went to www.biblegateway.com to do my reading.

When I went to cellgroup on Thursday, God reminded me of how I begin in City Harvest and how I started this walk with Him. It became a point of like a "restart" for me. So I was prompted to read the Contemporary English Version of the bible. I wanted to read the part on Joseph but ended up reading the part on Abraham instead. Cause I forgotten the exact chapter and thought it was chapter 11. After reading for some time and research on Wikipedia while I read.

One thing came into my mind and I am quite puzzled is that, wherever Abraham travelled to, he always build an altar to God. I checked in Wikipedia about the meaning of altar. It said: " An altar is any structure upon which offerings such as sacrifices and votive offerings are made for religious purposes, or some other sacred place where ceremonies take place." - quoted from Wikipedia. I wondered what did Abraham offered to God, cause it said sacrifices and votive offerings. But one thing is confirmed that Abraham always put God first in his life. Cause wherever he went he always build an altar to God first.

Then I continued to read on and this phrase caught my attention.

Abram believed the LORD, and the LORD was pleased with him. - Genesis 15:6(CEV)

Before this, it was a portion of Abraham complaining to God that God had given him everything except a child and when God promised him a son of his own. He chose to trust in God and God was pleased with him.

I realise many a times when God makes a promise to us. He fulfills it. Just like the promise He made to Abraham, the covenant He had with Noah and the blessings He gave upon the Jews as promised. From all these, we know that God is always faithful and true. But I think God will also want us to trust in Him when He makes a promise to us. I remembered the promise God gave me a year ago about me getting attached and eventually getting married. Friends who know me well would understand where I am coming from. Cause I feared getting involved in relationships and getting married for the longest of time. I had problem believing that I will have a happy and blissful family. But God gave me a vision last year that I will have a happy family. Though I waver from time to time in my life but I trust that God will fulfill His promise to me and allow me to have faith in Him.

I do not deny that I am wavering now even as I write this entry as I had been through one of my toughest times ever for either being a person or as a believer. It had been endless waves of tests and persecutions. I asked myself many times do I regret taking this road. I always told God, no matter what is it, please do not abandon me. For I have nothing on this earth except You. God will understand what I mean. I told Him no matter what happens I refuse to let Him go. I will clutch on to Him even to death. I have never ever regret my choice and will never be. I told God before even if I have to lose all I have, I will still take this path.

I do not know where this feeling came from. But I know I truly mean it. Monday, September 21, 2009

亲爱的来Mum，

没有你的世界已过了一百天。我还是好想你。每天都希望有你在我身边。过去不管多难过，多难熬，会因为有你而不一样。你总是会在我身边开导我，教导我，陪伴我，听我诉苦。那些相互扶持的日子震得很美好。眼泪时代替你陪在我身边的好友。思念是陪我解闷的新朋友。我喜欢龙千钰的《一生的爱》里的歌词。

“如果没有那日的相遇，心头也不会那么无奈。对你付出我的爱，就相陪水流进海。如果没有今日的悲哀，眼泪也不会流下来。不知道明天要往东还是往西。”

第一次见到你是1995年的时候。那时我们念小五。一起就读工商小学。我们的缘分似乎还没出世前就已经订好了。我们的外婆，父母，叔叔伯伯都认识。他们以前是山笆的老邻居。记得小时候，不知道是你的叔叔伯伯还是婶婶曾经在我路过那条山笆路时，给了我一块饼干吃。至今我仍然记得。那时，我们才四或五岁。第一次见你的时候，我们是正好走路回家。我们的母亲见到面给我们引见。我们也只是浅浅的对对方点点头。

怎么知道中学我们居然同校。我们一起就读东景中学。第一天上学，傻乎乎的我不认识人也不知道要怎么办。刚好那时的你认得我，叫住了我。那一个小小的举动改变了我们俩的一生。也为这深厚的友谊种下了种子。你乍问之下才发现我们原来同伴。这使得我也安心了，有认识的人在我的班上。四年的中学生涯，我们都同伴度过。有欢笑，有泪水，有争吵，有误解，有互相扶持，也有互相鼓励。还记得我们同时喜欢Sup的时候，还经常一起交换他的讯息。从未妒嫉过对方，或是做无畏的争斗。我生病的时候，你也一直鼓励我、帮助我。我的Physics和数学都因为你的帮助而分别得到了B4和A2。也记得有一次你陪我和惠娟等人到你现在的邹家的邻座偷窥明辉等人时。那时的你应该没想到若干年后你会搬到那里去住吧。

离开了中学，我们步向理工学院的生涯。还记得是你，我，慕华一起到淡马锡理工学院去办报学手续的。怎么知道我们三人会一起进入那所学校。你和慕华念会计，而我则念商科。第一年毕业之后，我们三人一起去打工。那时天天嘻嘻哈哈的，多开心啊。可是，也是那时候开始发生了令我们今天天人永隔的事情。就是那个看似没大碍的浮肿。一年后，我们得知你换了第三期的鼻癌。还记得你跟我说的时候，我在学校开放日里当服务生。正好做完了要离开，得到了你的简讯。眼泪无法控制得流出我的眼眶。我祈求上帝不要把你带走。我不想像失去奶奶一样，失去你。我害怕那摧心之痛，害怕需要过着无数想念你的日子。上帝应验了我的祈求。你熬过了，活下来了。

两年的时间没有任何事情发生。直到2006接获你需要动手术的消息，才知道你病已经复发了。看到你的模样，我的心是无比的疼惜，无比的痛。却为了让你好过，我总是掩饰。接下来的日子，你交了男朋友也作了生意。直到一百天前，我突然接获你弟弟的来电说你不行了。原来上帝不是不把你带走，而是缓了三年。我真的好想你。心每天都很痛。是真的痛。 爱你、想你、念尼、回忆以往的种种一是我人生的一部分。每当想起你，我的心就会好痛，眼泪也会不受控制得掉下来。为什么到最后，我还是是一无所有。除了等待又等待。没有你的日子，我真的不知道要怎么活下去。好累啊！ Tuesday, September 08, 2009

It has been so long since I last blog. The past 3 weeks had been horrendous. Super overworked... how i wish for some sort of rest... will holiday come soon~ Monday, September 07, 2009

Yesterday was the funeral of my so-called maternal grandfather. I am not trying to be rude, but I have only seen him once in my whole entire life. I have heard tonnes of nasty stories about him. Of course, the worst one was abandoning my maternal grandmother and all her children.

This is the 1st time I did not shed a single tear in a funeral. Even for my god-grandfather, at least I cried though I have not seen him very much either. But I was thankful for the chance to sneak a visit after the crematory to lai lai. It's been 2months and 18 days since she left. Nevertheless I still drown myself with tears day and night. Work seems to be my only escape route. Though I complain when I am overworked but still I am thankful for those times that rob my from my tears to give my eyes a break.

When I visited her yesterday, I could not say a single word. Tears seemed to be the only thing that I can have left.

My family as usual is in a mess with all those pin-pointings, anguish, grudges etc... I have no one to talk to neither can anyone understand my feeling. How many times had I prayed for a complete and peaceful family. I do not know what kind of grudge is within my mum and my younger sister. But are we not one family? Isn't forgiveness something that should be within a family? God, what can I do? I am tired heart, body and soul. I have no more energy to take care of all these. A life without Sulai is as good as clipping off an angel's wings.

I am just plain tired... Thursday, August 20, 2009

晚风轻吹
我抬头眺望着
天边那三颗星星
闪烁在天际

人群穿梭
我放眼呆望去
大街里无数人影
却看不到你

往事涌入心怀 不胜寂寞
眼泪落入心田 不胜悲伤
抬起了头 却无欲问苍天
地下了头 却看不见未来

本该晴朗的天
现在已是阴霾
憧憬过的未来
原来早已不再

我失去的心
该如何寻找 Wednesday, August 05, 2009

总觉得自己处在
天寒地冻的世界里
到处都是一扇扇
紧闭的门窗
不曾感受过温暖
也不明白什么是真爱

有那么一天我遇见了你
瞬间雪地里
开出了一朵朵玫瑰
绽放了生命的力量
把那片冰海融化了
展现了希望与光芒

谢谢有你
一直在我身边
谢谢你的不离不弃
虽然现在你不在我身边
你的爱仍然存在

谢谢有你
我不再寂寞
谢谢你的无量包容
虽然你已走远了
但是在我心里
你从来不曾离开过 Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Learning to let go and then to realise it is the hardest. Never a day had I gone without tears. It is not that I cannot feel the warmth and care others had given me. But it is the longing in the heart that kills my heart.

I still miss her everyday. Life without her is so empty. She said never give up, she can do it. But she left us already.

God! Give me my heart back! Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Today, I was talking to Xinjun after service. She said that I had been in this valley since the vision of my mum's death that petrified me some months back. This valley did not go back up but sank in deeper.

I have to be honest. With Sulai's death, my heart is as good as dead. I dare not think of the future or have hope for anything. I still cry every now and then remembering the good old times we had. I miss her terribly. Unknowingly, she had become a part of my life inevitably over the past years. My life without her and ah ma seems meaningless. Without the dearest people in my life, how am I supposed to go on each day. Removing them from my life is as good as killing me.

Sometimes I do not understand God. He promised all the goodness to me as His child yet He took away all that I can have in this world. The feeling of loneliness is yet again screaming out loud each and every living moment. I wonder why am I still alive and walking on this earth.

I am so tired each day. Trying to find a reason to live on and trying to see the ones I love once more. I wonder when will this torturous days end.

Ah ma, mum... I really miss both of you. When will we truly meet again? This world is so tiring and trying and lonely without the both of you. Sunday, July 26, 2009

“人因梦想而伟大
我因想你而成长”

Friday, July 17, 2009

July 8, 2009

We Know God's Truth Through Creation
by Rick Warren

"But the basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is!" (Romans 1:19 MSG)


About thirty-five years ago, I was at a camp in the mountains. Alone in a room, I prayed, "God, if there is a God, I'm open. If You're real, I want to know You're real. And, Jesus Christ, if You can change my life, if there is a purpose for my life, I want to know it."

You know what happened? I didn't get goose bumps. I didn't cry. No bright lights shown down. Nothing like that.

Yet, still, it was the turning point in my life—because I was no longer biasing myself against God. I wanted to know the truth, even if it was inconvenient.

Truth can be discovered, but first we have to have an attitude of openness that says, "I want the truth more than anything else." Once you choose that attitude, you can discover the truth. How?

First, through creation.

We learn a lot about God, a lot about truth, just by looking at nature. This is why science is so important. It helps us understand God and His universe.

For instance, by knowing that there are 60,000 varieties of beetles, we learn God likes variety. By seeing a volcano, a tidal wave, or an earthquake, we learn God is powerful. From the delicately balanced ecosystem, we can observe God is incredibly organized.

The Bible says, "The basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is! By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can't see: eternal power, for instance, and the mystery of His divine being. So nobody has a good excuse" (Romans 1:19-20 MSG).

In the coming days, we'll look at how God also leads us to the truth through conscience, careful consideration, His commandments, and through Jesus Christ.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Always feels deeply for this especially when I see the sunrise, sunset, clouds, skies, oceans, plants, animals and the beauty of this world. In my heart, I always know that God is there. Friday, July 10, 2009

好想你。。。 现在的你，在哪里？我的心里满满的只有寂寞。。。 Tuesday, July 07, 2009

一个月的时间，说长不长，说短不短。月又经过一轮阴晴圆缺。素来走了一个月了。就在上个月六月二日的早上，素来的弟弟指点给我说她不行了。我当场哭了。过了一个月又两个小时二十分钟，我的心依然痛，依然累，依然寂寞，依然想念。

再过十天就是我的生日了。二三月的时候跟来来说过，如果她不能出来，我就带好吃的食物去她家跟她一起吃。可惜今年往后的生日，不再具有任何意义了。因为它只会提醒我，所有我爱的人已不再我身边了。

如果我能有个心愿，我希望素来能回到我身边。可惜，这已经是不可能的事了。所以我想上帝祈祷，把我的祝福给与素来的父母与兄弟吧。也给与我身边的人吧，也给与世间痛苦着、受伤着的人们吧。给与世界和平吧，给与大地爱吧，让一切病痛不再折磨人类吧。

我真得很想念素来。没有她的日子，我不知道要怎么过。这条漫长的路要怎么走。这渺渺大地早已没了她的踪影。

昨夜我想到：

昨天的我，不是我
今天的我，也不是我
明天的我，亦不是我
四季不再变换
春天已不再是春天
夏季已不再是夏季
秋天已不再是秋天
冬季已不再是冬季
我也不再是我
你也不再是你
一切的一切早已不在了。 Thursday, July 02, 2009

有时回忆是甜的
有时回忆是涩的
有时回忆是苦的
却没了这些回忆的我
会什么都不是

有时心情开朗
有时心情忧伤
有时心情苦涩
却没了这些心情的我
亦什么也不是

和你一起走过的日子
我会收藏在我最深的心底
和你一起度过的欢笑
我会埋葬在我最深的回忆

和你一起走过的苦涩
我会一个自己继续走下去
没你和我一起的日子
我会学着自己坚强面对的

不要舍不得
不要流泪
不要悲伤
一路记得要走好
我没办法再陪在你身旁
因为你已到另一个世界去
但是我还是会想你
我还是会爱你
我会永远永远
将你埋藏在我心中
我亲爱的你
永别了 Thursday, June 25, 2009